Love Ain’t Cheap

Romancing your Valentine can take a toll on your bank balance.
Priya Sundar juggles ways on how to perfectly balance love and money.

Romance and courtship don’t come cheap. There is always a cost attached in terms of time, emotional commitment, patience and, of course, money.
The traditional norms around courtship and money usually involve the man. But with the increase in the number of working women, high costs and stagnant income growths, it is only fair that some of the old school rules on dating etiquette change with time.

Foot The Bill
One of the most sensitive dating issues is the settling of the restaurant bill. Does the man still foot the bill for every meal or does a ‘split’ have deeper connotations for a woman other than the ‘all-American banana dessert’?
If you are planning a meal in a restaurant, you should decide the place based on the affordability.
It is important to be honest about your financial situation early in the relationship.
I know of a friend whose partner works in the same organization as her. She pays for their lunch every day and the partner pays for all the fancy dinner dates. If you and your partner have not worked out such an agreement, the woman must offer to pay for a meal at the very least. The man may resist and still pay, but it is important to express the intent. The much-loved ‘Seinfeld’ character George pointed out in one of the episodes, ‘You know she and I go out for dinner, she doesn’t even reach for the cheque. All I’m asking for is a reach. Is that so much to ask for?’ The point is, when both partners are earning and costs are escalating, not chipping in leaves a bad taste in the mouth.

Gifting Right
What about gifts? What kind of gifts are appropriate on the first date and on subsequent dates? It is generally not a good idea to splurge on gifts in the early days of your relationship. After all, you are still scoping out your partner, and figuring out if things work for you in the long term. Small, inexpensive, thoughtful gifts will more than adequately serve the purpose. Women care much more about the thought than how expensive the gift is. For example, if your partner likes music, burn a CD that has all her favourite songs. Or present her a scrapbook on the life and times of her favourite rock band. A colleague recently made a small movie on his Mac for his partner’s birthday. Such gifts are very personal, they show how much you care, and they don’t break the bank.

Role Reversal
How about when a woman earns more than a man? How should you split expenses? It shouldn’t matter who is earning more, as long as there is mutual respect in the relationship. Also, the man should not try to keep up with his partner’s lifestyle, else it will strain the relationship and his finances. If the woman is taking control of the money in the relationship, the man can pull his weight in other areas. A man’s character and integrity count for a lot. He can be her mentor, sounding board and motivator; and give her the confidence to pursue her dreams. Healthy relationships are bred on compassion, understanding and self-confidence. It’s hard to put a price tag on these attributes.

Stingy, Chronic Horrower?
What if either partner is a penny pincher or a chronic borrower? One of my friends ended a two-year relationship with her partner because she was peeved with his tight-fistedness. He was always taking her out to places where he got either a freebie or a discount. He would insist on taking her to the same restaurant because it offered him a 25% discount on the next meal. While it is a good idea to be thrifty with your money, extreme parsimony is off putting. If you must present a discount voucher before a meal, do it discreetly. Hand it over to the steward before your meal and ask him to apply it before presenting your bill.
Opposites attract. You may be the saver in the relationship and he the spender, but if his spending is out of control to the extent that he constantly borrows from you and does not repay, be wary. This is the ultimate financial deal breaker. Not only is he sponging off you, he is also financially irresponsible. Be upfront and tell him that you have a no-loaning policy.
Sujata Raju, owner of High Impact Image Studio, an image consulting firm in Bangalore, recommends it is important to convey to your partner that you value the relationship but are not comfortable loaning money. She stresses, “If the person is sensible, he will respect you for your decision and honesty. If his ego is hurt and he wants to end the relationship, then good riddance.”
If you are unable to make the break, then help your partner out in whichever way you can without money being involved. For example, if he needs money to get his bike fixed, offer to loan him your bike for a few days instead. If he asks you for money to start a business, tell him politely that you can help in other ways such as designing his website or by introducing him to potential clients. If the pattern continues, then it’s best to confront him and have that unpleasant discussion.  If it means ending the relationship, so be it. You’ll be glad you came out of it sooner rather than later.

Less Savings
As a financial planner, the disturbing trend I notice among young urban Indians is the fall in the savings rate. I find the proportion of income allocated to gifts and entertainment rising at an alarming rate. Such an increase is perfectly acceptable if it is commensurate with a steady uptick in income. But when annual income growth is restricted to low single digits, and discretionary expenses increase in double digits, they have a problem on their hands.
The constant refrain I hear from singles is that it is impossible to court without money. Far from being mutually exclusive, they feed off each other. Finding the right person to spend the rest of your life with is the easy part of courtship. It is the vast amounts of money spent in the process of finding Mr or Ms Right that breaks the bank for many. It makes sense to cut your losses when the relationship is going nowhere, because the domino effect of reckless spending over several unsuccessful relationships can impact your financial future across many years.
Just as it is important to invest money to secure your life, investing in the right partner is crucial because this is the person with whom you will spend almost every single day for the next 50 years or so. Following basic dating etiquette should enable you to make the right choices and yet be in control of your money. However, don’t get too rigid around rules. The overall principle is to be considerate towards your partner and yet be mindful of your interests. Yes, it’s about the money; but it’s not all about the money, honey!
Happy Valentine’s Day!